What drives you?

I had a chance for a short private call with the CEO of my new company as reward for winning a internal competition recently.

As I was really new in the company - just 44 days with the company, I thought long and hard of what to talk to him about.

Then something came up to my mind: ask him what drives him to bring the company from a start-up, to NASDAQ listed company, and still keep going after 21 years.

The logic of success is largely similar: it mostly have to do with a combination of motivation, determination, discipline, and perseverance.

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going" but what drives you to be the tough that gets going, rather than the fuck-this and give up?

I still remember that when I started finding a job 7 years back, I set money to be my passion because I didn't have passion for anything else.

7 years later, I achieved some success with money in the sense that I can buy most of what I want without any severe financial worries, I have a car, I have a rather big apartment in a rather good location.

But what's next?

You can get faster cars and bigger apartments, but there are always someone with a faster car or a better apartment than you.

The race in money seems pretty meaningless because it's never ending.

Coming back to my call with the CEO, I wanted to find out why would he spend so much effort in achieving what he achieved.

Clearly money isn't the goal for him, he probably already have more money than he will ever spend for the rest of his live.

The content of his answer was quite standard:

• He felt that he has a great team, and it is the people that he felt it was his responsibility to groom and take care of.

• He felt a sense of mission that he had the destination in mind, and he wanted to reach it.

• There were definitely several challenges and obstacles along the way, but in retrospect, you will always realize that they were really minuscule problems.

But what was truly intriguing is that I actually felt that he truly believe that this is what he wanted to do.

I realized that this believe is something I always lacked.

When you talk to someone who strongly believe in something, your realize that it is not a concept of choosing whether to take things up, it is just something that is gospel truth to them and they just know they have to do it.

I never truly believed in anything.

I thought that life was meaningless, and whatever thing you do doesn't matter. People just choose something (children, career, business, etc) and devote meaning to it.

But this conversation revealed that this may not have been a choice, you don't just adopt something and make it your baby, it's more like you know it in your gut that it's what you want to do.

All the things that I've achieved stemmed from survivalism: I needs to get them to sustain my lifestyle.

But after sometime, I realized that I will just keep chasing a more expensive lifestyle and try to sustain that lifestyle - this is so pointless.

The conversation actually doesn't really help me at all. I had never felt strongly about anything at all, and I don't supposed I'd fill that emptiness in any foreseeable future.

The question I asked him was what drives him, and I got his answer.

The actual answer I was hoping to get is actually for a different question: what drives me?

I really have no idea.

She said yes at 4095.2M

I think we need to find peace with the fact that we are not special at all - not the richest, not the strongest, not the fastest, not anyway best in anything.

But I think we need to realize the fact that your partner chose to live with you despite all that - of all the billions of normal people, they chose to be with you – that is what makes you special.

We already know that nobody is perfect, but we assumed that each other's flaws will fit nicely when you meet the right one. It's not a fairytale where everything fits perfectly between each other. It's actually because the parts that fit are sufficient enough that the parts that don't fit don't matter anything. You look past each other's flaws to see the love in them.

The Kinabalu climb taught me one thing - the simple and healthy life of the locals, the majesty of the mountain, they made me see the vastness of the world. Everything else became insignificant. I spend much of my time chasing money, the importance of money is undeniable, it sustains the quality of life that you lead. But what I missed is why money is important. Hiking through this journey with her made me even more sure that she is the one I will walk with. I find support and synergy between us that helped each other pull through the journey. It’s not about words or actions, we just know we are there for each other.

She will be the central of my world from this point on. She will be the lighthouse guiding my path home so that I would not stray too far. Always remember why you started – she will be the reason why I start the next phase. It's not that she is the answer to everything - nobody is that magical. It's because I chose her to be that reason, I chose her to lead the rest of my life with. The greens of the field, the heights of the mountain, she is who I chose to walk with.

I can only say "I'm sorry"

Just seen this comic on 9gag recently.

This brought back so much memories, and the sorrow which came along with it.

I remember the time we had together back in school.

I remember she used to travel weekly to come over to my place, when I hated going over to hers.

Now I realize that it must have been so tiring and painful for her, yet she chose to come over anyway.

I knew she looked forward to our phone call every night, but I found it tedious as it was taking too much of my time.

I remember the cooking that we use to do together - making food that each other love.

I used to dread those "stupid new recipes", yet I failed to realize her love for me.

She had me always on her mind, yet I was pursuing other things in life.

She tried so hard to get close and comfort me during that period of my life.

But the fact of the matter is, she doesn't understand that no matter how hard she tried, she cannot get to me.

Love is not about effort, it's about compatibility.

She tried, and tried so hard - she deserve to be happy.

I've moved on twice now, I really hope she is doing well.

I really hope she finds someone who appreciates her love.

My first love, if you're still reading my blog, this I have to say to you again: I'm sorry.

Always remember why you started

Things have been crazily hectic since I started on this new role. Once in a while, I'd start to wonder whether this has been a good move.

The challenges on the job has been tremendous, the bosses are demanding and unappreciative, the rewards are yet to be seen, the future is uncertain. These are definitely discouraging and really made me question myself.

But always remember why you started.

You took this up to build a name for yourself. To lead and groom a team which recognizes your care. To be a face that everyone will come to know. This has not and will not change. Your bosses may not understand your effort; they care solely about the number - this is sales after all. But you are on a separate mission; the focus is not the petty politics on these small start-ups - the focus is to build yourself up.

The thing I must protect

There is no meaning in life, you are the one who chooses what you want and give it meaning.

I have chosen family; it will always be at my core.
It seems I have been given a chance to try again, I hope don't screw up this time.

Do not say or do stupid things which you know will end up hurting those who are important to you.
Think before you act, do not do things out of temptations, convenience or curiosity.

You've made mistakes in the past which has caused bad enough repercussions, do not do stupid things again.

Think before you speak, do not say things out of spite or to get attention.
Words which come out at the spur of the moment doesn't help, it can cause hurt and make a crack in relationships.

Do not say things which you don't actually mean it.

Love is an emotion, relationship is a commitment

A relationship often begin because of love. But what happens when love runs out?
It's not always sunshine and roses in a relationship, there are storms and hardships as well.
Everyone knows this theory, but not everyone understands it.

A relationship requires maintenance. Constant, consistent, and honest communication between each other is key to staying together.
Again, everyone knows this theory, but at the same time, everyone thinks that they have put in enough, it's their partner who needs to put in more effort.

Love stories give an illusion that if it's meant to be, my partner should notice or know what I'm going through.
But none of us are mind readers, we see the world and understand it through our own perspective.
Nobody will understand you unless you tell them honestly how you feel.
Forget the mind games, guessing, and hinting - nobody will catch they hints if they don't know that it was a hint.

I was in a relationship where we promised to be honest, to be open to each other, to work together.
But my honesty was being doubted, my past mistakes were held against me, my character was untrusted.
It was to the extent that my sincerity was ignored, and I was judged for material things which are unwise to pursue at this stage of life.
In the end, my efforts were taken for granted, and it became a one-sided maintenance.

Hints and sarcasm are bad ways to communicate. It creates a barrier between people.
I don't know if it was the nature of her character, or it was a reaction to my sarcastic amd skeptical nature.
Regardless, we ended up engaging in hidden war of trying to influence and change each other.
It actually doesn't take that much time to know a person, but it takes time for love to run out and acknowledge the problems.

So do yourself a favor: be honest, and mean what you say.
If you are honest to each other, there is no need to guess at all.
Do not second guess your partner's words, do not be skeptical and doubt their motives and intentions.

It is really our own responsibility to communicate to each other - so that they how what we're thinking, and how we feel.
And in turn, it is a mutual respect and responsibility to not judge or be over senstive about what each other says.

Always keep an open mind

One more time: do not judge, do not assume, do not over think.

It is not what actually happens which brings 2 person apart, it's our perspective of it which pushes each other away.

This time, I should truly learn to not second guess people's motives, to not jump to conclusions about people's actions.

Putting your heart in others' hands is a truly dangerous thing to do. It's an act of trust initially, but can lead to defensiveness in the end. If you build a wall around it at the slightest sign of hurt, it is going to be an emotional barrier which is really hard to cross.

I've been hurt before, but that was the past. I should not judge others based on the negativity I have been through, it is not fair to them.

Treat people with fairness, let them into your life.

When in doubt, ask - don't assume.
Treat each other with honesty; remove the guessing between you and your partner.

You never actually stop loving someone

The places you've been to, the food that you've ate, the things that you've done, the habits developed when you were together - each and everything which has a connection will remind you of her.

Having been through 2 relationships now, I realized that you never actually stop loving someone. The relationships may have ended, but the moments and love shared are still deep in your heart.

It brings a deep sorrow to be going through things which reminds you of the love you used to have. Because you know that it can only be a memory and nothing more. Because you will start questioning if the relationship could have worked. Because you will reach the same conclusion that it wouldn't have worked, yet again. Because you will miss her all over again.

You may wish to go back in time to undo everything. You may wish to remove everything from memory. But you know that these are valuable to you - you will want to keep it. They are part of you.

Each of these little moments was part of your journey which helped defining who you are right now. Do not be sad that the times together are over - be happy that you were together before. Do not deny the effect and influence, and the lessons you have learned from them - embrace all of these as a part of you.

To both of you, I thank you for being in part of my life. I thank you for your courage in choosing to love me. I'm sorry for leaving you in the end. I was young, I was inexperienced, I did not know how to love. But both of you taught me how to love, how loving and to be loved feels like.

Drawing from these lessons, I know I will become a better person, I know clearer what I am looking for, I know better how to appreciate my partner, I know how to love her better, and most importantly, hopefully, I'd know how not to hurt her.

80KG

I first began my weight loss journey around June of 2015.
I was 96KG.

The milestone of 90KG was achieved on 28th September 2015.
That was the mark that my weight loss has kicked into motion.

I was steadily losing 2KG per month until I reached around 82KG in January 2016,
Then it got stagnant.

For almost the whole year of 2016, I was stuck at 82KG, unable to meet my next milestone of 80KG.
The closing of 2016 was a life changing turn, with many lessons learned.
The most important lesson of all was dedication.

Today, I finally meet my target of 80.0KG.
This is the proudest moment of my life.

This is a reminder that great things have small beginnings. As I first started my journey, I could hardly do 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups.
Now I'm doing the following daily:
1 set - 6× pull up (aka overhand)
1 set - 6× chin up (aka underhand)
4 set - 8× toes to bar
And I run or swim at 2-3 times weekly.

With my height, the healthy weight should be below 74KG.
My exercises have reached a plateau once again, as nasty headaches strike when I tried to push more to my daily regime. I try to make time for run and swim, but my workload is increasing so tremulously that it is quite difficult to squeeze more than 3 times a week.

But the key was never about weight loss or body shape - the key was to get healthy.
My heart is stronger now, my lungs have better breathing capacity.
And as an added bonus, stamina for "important thing" greatly improves with better physical fitness.

Let it go

Let go of your poisonous attitude
Let go of your jealousy
Let go of your anger
Let go of your cynicism
The only person hurting you is yourself.
YOU held on to the negativity; YOU shut out the positivity.
Let it all go and set yourself free; only you can set yourself free.
Don't judge, don't care; everything is none of your business.
When you hold on to pain, the only one getting hurt is yourself; let it go.

揮揮手再見 祝你 旅途平安

《機場之歌~在旅行的路上》

在旅行的路上 有些事我們慢慢講
有個熱情的地方 名字叫 台灣
我們將腳步放慢 聊著天在路上
你行李裝滿 遠赴他鄉的夢想

在旅行的路上 有些事我們慢慢講
有個熱情的地方 名字叫 台灣
我用思念在醞釀 牢記你的模樣
揮揮手再見 祝你 旅途平安

The 10 days Taiwan journey was our last gift to each other.
Such a beautiful place, such an amazing time we had together.
Such a wonderful love we have for each other. This love still exists in my heart.

As time passes, love turns into memory.
This is a memory which I will truly treasure.

It is painful that such strong and raging love has to be put to a stop - it feels like a piece of my heart has been torn off again. We tried so hard to stay together, made so much compromises for each other. Yet both of us still felt unappreciated.

That is how I knew that no matter how hard we try, we will still hurt each other and feel this mysterious sense of un-fulfillment in our hearts.

Perhaps you are right, I chose to give up as it is the easier way to go.
But time will tell, I'm waiting an answer as well.

There are regrets in life no matter what choices you make.
Move on, and look forward to the next chapter.

Thank you, for your love and so much things that you have done for me that I cannot even begin to list them. I cannot ask anymore from you.

I bid you farewell, and I hope that you are in better places with every step you take.

What is dedication?

The definition of the word says: the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.

Dedication and commitment is a controversial topic which makes people afraid. When people talk about dedication, there's a underlying assumption that it will take a whole lot of energy.

As it turns out, it does not take a lot to be dedicated.

You just need to be consistent, persistent. Stay focused and keep working towards the goal in mind.

Why do we dedicate?
Because we want to see something done. And in order to dedicate, you need to know what you are dedicated to.

The only difference is dedication

Amongst man who are successful and those who are less so, one factor stands out clear in contrast of the two: dedication.

There is no secret to success, the only factor which will bring you to your goals is dedication. Sure, some man are born smarter, or richer, or with some advantages which puts them ahead of the competition. These advantages are tools which will makes the journey easier, but we cannot choose what tools we are born with. We can, however, choose whether we want to fight.

Success is simple, set your goals, and dedicate yourself to see that you reach them. Dedication means that success is no longer an option; it is necessary.

No, it's necessary

That means that your objectives are clear, and there can only be one result: success.
A short yet powerful statement which shows the resolve and commitment to see things through.

我太天真，信了童话的谎言

One of the side effect of trusting people is the possibility of mismatched expectations.

Be it intentional or unintentional, people do not practice what they preach.

While some of them are hypocrites who lies to people intentionally, there are many who are not aware that they are lying. These are the people who truly believe that they do as they say, but unaware that their actions are not in line with their ideology.

Well, there's really nothing we can fault on, that is part and parcel of life. Life goes on.

Target acquired

The topic of pre-sales vs sales vs be-your-own-boss came up again, this time with interesting insights, and I have sort of reached a conclusion.

I had been hesitant to move on as a sales mainly because of the risks it come with. What if I cannot hit target? What if I enter a bad company which will taint my track records? I would need more time to build my network before starting out as a sales.

Previously, I have always reached a conclusion that I was not ready.

But I realize that I forgot my own preach: you can never be ready. If you wait until you are ready, the opportunity would have already passed. Most of the times you need to jump right into the opportunity and do the job. You cannot learn it by standing at the side.

I have done it before.
I wasn't ready to be an engineer, I went in and completed the projects anyway.
I wasn't ready to be a pre-sales, but I designed solutions and sold to customers anyway.

There is a further insight on my abilities too. I found myself lacking the experience for a pre-sales, as my technical wasn't strong enough. But going back to hands-on will not resolve the issue. I suddenly remembered that my strength is in being able to think on my feet. I am able to pick up ideas and understand solutions extremely fast. I thought that it empowers me to be a pre-sales, but that is the essence that is more needed by a sales than pre-sales.

What ahead is still not 100% decided, but at least it is clearer now where I am heading towards.

不知道

I don't know when did you stop trusting me
I don't know when did you stop being proud of me
I don't know when did you stop looking up to me
I don't know when our goals and perspectives start straying apart
I don't know when did I start failing your expectations
I don't know what you are looking for anymore
But I know that I am not the one you are seeking for

With every teardrop, the heart hardens a little more

When I thought I was thinking for our future, she thought I was thinking for myself.

Why do I count every cent? Why do I plan for housing loan road maps,  or second property, or retirement? Why do I prefer a central area? Why do I need a wedding banquet?

When I thought marriage is a partnership, it is actually her vs me.
"MY" side of the story doesn't matter anymore, her perspective is already fixed.
It doesn't really matter what I think, my perspective is just a challenge for her to convince.
Then why stress to provide for a stable future "for both of us"? My stability and down-to-earth mindset is a weakness, a fear of challenges to her.

"Choose the lifestyle you want and fight for the paycheck to sustain it" - yes, I have said that before. I have tried, it is not sustainable. "Choosing the lifestyle that you want" doesn't  mean to spend like you are already living it, it means setting a goal and future and fight for it. I had spent future money before, I was burned.

Expectations, perspectives and priorities are mismatched. If both sides hang on to their own, the relationship will have to give way. Yet I cannot "bargain" on sincerity based on a price tag - implicitly, I am just fuel for her dreams; my opinions are irrelevant.

Anger management - for your own good

Remember, anger and vengeance hurts only yourself. The target do not understand or feel what you are feeling.

Sometimes it's hard to be the better person

If certain things is considered wrong when done by you, but okay for others to do it, you can only suck thumb.

It's in the details

You can tell much by observing a person's behavior and micro expressions.
Beyond the branded façade, it is easy to tell if a person truly has class.

Girls can carry branded bags but walks like a duck, like there's a dick stuck in between.
Guys can act generous but complain about the lunch you didn't pay.
Employees can talk about big ideas and management efficiencies, but cannot even fulfill their job duties.


Class is not presented by the brands, class is portrayed by the person.

Always be the better person

Do not respond in kind, always be the better person.
Violence begets violence, immaturity begets immaturity.

In a fight, be the gracious one who take a step backwards. Take the proactive position to solve problems instead of fighting for pride.

At work, be more objective, don't point fingers, don't take things personal - even if the other party is putting it personal and pointing finger at you. Responding in kind will not solve the problem, it makes things worse by shifting the focus to insignificant matters which doesn't contribute to progress.


At love, be the one to take the step back, to ask what's wrong, to say sorry. Clashing emotions and walking out the door rips scars in the relationship. Keeping and comparing scores is pointless; there is nothing to win by winning the argument. Be the stronger one to give support to your partner, be the gracious one to forgive and forget mistakes, be the mature one to understand and respect your partner's perspective.


Be generous and don't be calculative - there are no scorecards or balance sheets in life.

Knowing and understanding is different

Knowing and understanding is different.

People are different and hence think and behave differently.
You may have said some things to them before, but it takes time for people to internalize and understand it.

Communication and patience is key in the path of understanding.
Passive aggressive attitude tears the relationship apart.
Be patient.

I am the best

I am the best.

Live life with the mindset that you are the best.

Not because of self arrogance that you think that you are the best, and no one else is better than you, but because you strive to be the best and seek to be better everyday.

Bring out the warrior inside

Despite everything that I say, I am actually a warrior, a fighter; I will always stand and fight.

Laziness and procrastination do kick in once in a while, and I give excuses for being lazy by adopting a mild character, denying who I am.

The things I look for in life, the characteristics I expect in my partner are reflections of who I really am; it reveals what I want to be.

I wish I had discovered this earlier, but I am also still on a journey of self realization myself. I am truly grateful for those who crossed my path in life. Through them and the interactions with them, I can see myself much clearer than ever.

Persistence and discipline is the key, I need to persevere, bring out the warrior inside, and let it lead and guide my way.

Office Survival Tips

Making a list for things to note for office survival.

1. 有人就有政治。Politics is inherent with men, the moment you are in a group of people, you have to deal with politics. If you don't play politics, it will play you.
2. It is always political. Nobody cares about you. There are no secrets, everything you said will spread and be ultimately used against you. Always wear the poker face; say only what is needed, never show your emotions.
3. 以退为进, smile and nod, and continue to do whatever the fuck you want anyways.
4. It is always just a game, everyone else is your opponent. Do everything required to play it to your advantage. But don't take the game too serious.
5. Nothing good to say? Don't say. Talking bad about anything/anyone never help the situation, and it reflects badly about yourself. Listen, smile, nod, but don't comment.
6. Strike the target where it isn't. Don't engage the target directly, go around it and stab it at the back.

The one

The right spouse should:

1. Appreciate you for who you are
2. Make you more confident and feel good about yourself
3. Make you a better person

But how do you know if the relationship can work out?

When both of you are right for each other, these 3 points will be mutual.

Long term vs short term

Always plan forward for the future.
But remember to live in the moment.

做人不要太认真

If you take life too seriously, you will only end up hurting yourself when things are not up to your expectations.
You can only get what life gives you.
命裏有時終須有，命裏無時莫强求。
If it's meant to be, it'd be your anyway.
If it's not meant to you, you won't get it no matter what you do.
Besides, the harder you grab, the more likely it is to slip from your hand. It may have been something which was meant for you, but precisely because you were too anxious about it, 弄巧反拙 - it slipped out of your hand.

人不可在顺境中跌倒

It doesn't matter what exactly you will achieve in the end.
Things are not always in you favor.
If times are bad and you didn't achieve due to the disadvantages, it is understandable.
But if you are in an advantageous position and you fail to make use of it and grab opportunities which come your way, that is an absolute waste.

Love – let it be (Part 2)

不要想太多。There is no need to analyse and classify every single thing. Poking and probing things "just for the sake of discussion" is pointless. Learn to accept that things are just the way they are, and there is no need to change them.

我愛高貴，妳愛舒服。
我愛吃肉，妳覺得肉不健康。
我覺得該住中央，要四房，貴點也值得；妳覺得西邊好 - 會增值，三房就夠，沒這樣貴。
我覺得體重安於現狀，持之以恆就好；妳覺得這樣的build不瘦是浪費。

The fact is, there are bound to be many differences in our perspectives, but they are built on each other's life and experiences. There are blind spots to both of our perspectives, and we see things which each other may have missed.

People are just the way they are, there is no need to change. Or we can say that love is about acceptance and compromise. Living with each other means living with everything of each other.

Problems and conflicts arises when you try to change the other.

Compromising is not losing; it's about accepting and giving in.
Because you love her - you do not want to see her hurt by you.
Because you'd rather take a step backwards yourself than straining the relationship.
Because she is worth it.

And there is no taking turns or expecting returns in love.
You accept because being her is what makes her who she is - and you love her for who she is.
You compromise because you love her and your goal of the relationship is to see her happy, and be happy together.

Love – let it be

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation."
– Osho

In love, we need to work together

In love, we need to work together, with each other. But sometimes, due to small little things which are magnified by our selfish ego, couples may end up working against each other to defend their ego, and end up straining the relationship.

Let's us remind each other that we always need to put in effort in making our relationship work.
The good times and good feelings will cease if we stop working on what we believe :)

You are your own scorecard

Often in life, we like to show people things that we do, things that we achieve, things that we learn.

Growing up is when you realize there is no scorecard or result slip.
When you learn something, there is no one to grade you, there is no need to seek approval or satisfaction from anyone.

When you learn something, it's because it makes you a better person, and you need it to be part of you.

Don't take things personally

Don't take things personally, an advise which we commonly hear, not difficult to practice.

The matter of fact is, it is easy to take things objectively when you have some level of indifference to it. But if it is something that actually matter and affects you consciously or unconsciously, you still tend to react defensively.

Despite my best efforts to stay clear headed in all situations, I still find myself reacting childishly in 2 aspects: attitude towards family, and sensitive towards comments relating to my ability.

Reason for that is actually quite simple, ego and inconfidence.

My family has a culture of being stingy with compliments because of my mom. We never give people the credit they deserve - in fear that they will become over confident. I know it's weird, but true. Hence there is another culture in response to that, we are in a constant need to seek approval from others. And being the youngest child where your opinion almost never matters made things worse. This ultimately led to a comment on me: "你像個小孩子，就是要耍耍脾氣". Which actually is very true, I thought I was standing my ground and making my opinions heard, but in retrospect, that was actually pretty childish of me. I was just trying to seek attention.

There is nothing to prove, and nothing to be won - family is family. At the end of the day, they are the closest that we will have. They are different, and they will behave differently from what I expect from them. And I really should respect that. And respecting that doesn't mean that I have to change to accommodate them, doesn't mean that I have "lost". I took it too personally because I took offence with my ego. There is nothing personally and nothing to win/lose. It's just a part of how people live with each other.

And because of this subconscious need to always prove myself, I also become extremely defensive whenever there are any comments remotely related to my ability. I would try to prove that what I do is complex and of high value, and that I am paid well. Again, there is really nothing to prove. As long as you are satisfied that you are fulfilling your job role, it is good enough, there is nothing to compare. And people weren't trying to attack you with those comments in the first place.

Things that people sometimes say or do were not targeted towards me, but I was over sensitive and made myself the target.

Two wrongs doesn't make one right

When someone do something stupid or selfish, it is normal to adopt a 你不仁我不義 stance and respond with equal unpleasantness. However, you may be judged by others who don't know the entire story and attributed for all the misgivings.

But when someone does something that puts you at a disadvantage, how can you protect yourself?

1. 先發制人
Be constantly vigilant and take preemptive strikes the moment you sense something is wrong, before they have the chance to hurt you.

2. 深藏不露
Striking first doesn't mean strike-anyhow. Always make preparations and strike with power and accuracy only when you are ready. Never do or say anything until you are 100% sure.

3. 寧可我負天下人，不可天下人負我
There is really only a small group of people you need to care about: your loved ones, your close friends.
You need to be clear of your circle of trust. Simply put, the only person who I should trust and can understand how I think and feel is her - and that is enough.

While 曹操 may have said this because he's a selfish and narcissistic ass, to me this means that you really only need to care about those who are important to you.
Others are disposable and sacrifice-able when necessary to protect my own interests.
I must stand strong and protect what is most important to me.

Have patience

If you think you know something, don't talk about it.
Play along until you get the full answer.

It is better to know and have others thinking that you don't know about it.
Remember: don't go around showing that you know stuff, because there's nothing to show off - you're just mishandling and leaking out information.

Defer judgement

There's a difference between having an opinion and rubbing your dick in others' face.

太魯莽，太草率。
Too rush, too quick to judge.

This gives the impression that although I am capable, I am too easy to read and too easily influenced.
Either one is bad enough, combination of both is worse. Because not only that I'm easy to be influenced, it's easy for others to know that I'm easily influenced too.

The experienced and wise listens more than they speak.

Only offer your opinion when asked.
Even then, offer only what they need to know of your perspective, not everything.

I was too green, naive, and impatient.
Have not gone through similar incidents.
Was in an impatient mood because of fear of losing opportunities.

To make things worse, I was trying to soothe my own ego by attracting attention to myself. But it was all bad attention.

I was wrong, you cannot draw conclusion based on available information and update later.
You have to see clearly and defer judgement.

Besides, don't judge too soon, some people may not be what they seem like initially.
You may be able to be 80% right based on first impressions, but there is still a 20% chance that they may be better or worse than what you initial think.

Yes, I needed to make quick judgement to decide if I should take the job before the opportunity runs away. But nobody needs to know about what I was thinking about.

I suppose I was really lonely, there was hardly anyone I can talk to.
So I turned to talking everywhere.
But now I am clear that she should be the only one in my circle of confidence.
Finally, I have someone who I can trust, and understand what I'm talking about, and offer advise and opinions on what I'm going through.

謠言止于智者

Still clearing up my reputation from the mood swing I had at work. Took a valuable lesson on information management. And strangely, it felt like a deja vu.

No matter where you go, as long as there are people, there is bound to be politics, gossips, rumours.

When you hear a piece of sensational news, what do you do with this piece of information?

I do the most stupid thing: spread it. Show off that I knew a lot of insider information.

As of the situation now, it doesn't matter if the information was accurate, whether I had been used or not. The key is, I mishandled information.

謠言止于智者。聽就好，不要傳。

Because when you distribute misinformation, it doesn't matter who started it, you will take the blame since you attracted the most attention.

Next time, no matter what you hear, take it with a pinch of salt. Act like you don't know anything at all.

靜

Been away from work recently. 2 weeks of sort-of break allowed me to quieten down and put my work life into perspective.

Silence is gold; keep your mouth shut.

Work is work. Focus on fulfilling the roles and responsibilities of your job. Avoid doing or saying things which are unconstructive towards your career development. Comments which are smart aleck and to soothe your own ego and emotions are unncessary and unprofessional. They serve only as temporary pleasure.

Do not jeopardize your own development just to look smart - you are not being smart at all by saying stupid things.

Remember that still water runs deep. Keep all your emotions and thoughts deep and hidden in your mind. Say and do only those which are helpful to you.

A message to the one I have loved and hurt so much

Hi Alwina,

If you are still reading my blog, you might have known that I have found someone.

While attempting to put away the cards and letters you wrote to me, I read through some of them, and that really brought tears to my eyes. I know that I have already moved on, but going through those words from you still overwhelmed me with emotions. I felt that I have to let you know what I feel.

I realized that I have been really selfish, and the entire breakup was really just all about me not getting what I desire. You actually sensed that we were moving apart as early as last anniversary.

I'm really sorry for giving up on the relationship, especially after hanging on for 3.5 years. I hope that you were really happy during the times we were together. It was painful for me to accept your love, as the more you loved me, the more guilty I am for not being able to accept you for who you are. I truly loved you, and the biggest reason why I hung on to the relationship for such a long time was because I was afraid to see you sad, I was afraid to see you having to lead a life without me. But eventually I realized that we would do much better going in a separate path. 愛一個人就要懂得放手, that's why I chose to let go, I could not see a future with you where we do not hurt each other. I'm sorry.

I really hope you are doing well. I hope you can find someone who loves you, and appreciate you for who you are - appreciate the love that you give to him. I hope you find happiness.

Life has been rocky for me, my job is chaotic as usual, especially now with the uncertainties of me staying or leaving the company. But I know I'll be alright with her.

As we have dated before, and for such a long time, I felt that I should be accountable to you that I have moved on and found someone else, especially after such a short time since our breakup. It was purely coincidence that I met her, and it was like fate that we each have a past which makes us resonate so well together.

Moving forward, there are bound to be more writings on my life, since this blog is to keep track of thoughts and emotions which are in my head. Which means that there will be more writings of my new love with her as well. You are more than welcomed to continue reading my blog, since we have agreed to stay as friends, but I just felt that I needed to clarify this to prevent anymore hurt to you even after our breakup.

Best Wishes,
Snorlax

Always go back to why you started

It gives you insights to the original intent, allowing you to stay true to your direction and see any deviation from your direction.

It's easy to get lost and distracted by things going on at some moment. But sometimes, when you look back at the reason for starting out, it reminds you why you began in the first place. It tells you that despite all the messy things going on, the reason has not changed at all, your path is still the same. This gives you clarity of vision on your journey, and the strength to carry on.

The converse is also true. When you look back and realize that things have changed already, and whatever reason for starting out is no longer valid, then you know that your path was incorrect, and there's no need to persist on the journey.

I've been through both before, remembering why you started always gives you the answer.

Let's talk about something more relevant currently: my new found journey. I have always been impatient, rushing into things, and giving up when the going gets tough. This is a reminder to myself, a checkpoint of why I chose to start with her.

I have lived life thus far without any meaning; I even wrote a 3 part series on "Life has no meaning". For the first time in my life, I feel like there is something to live for, there is finally meaning to my life. More precisely, I decided that she is what I would give my life for, she is the meaning of my life.

It may, of course, be too early to be drawing a conclusion like this just after 2 months of dating. But this is the checkpoint of the journey, this is the reason why I started.

The biggest reason is how she reminds me of myself. Looking at her is somewhat like a reflection of the kind of person I am. The things which she thinks about, the revelations she has after thinking them through, these are the same things which I had pondered on, and why I am who I am today - why I chose and strive to be the composed anchor. This gives me strength as seeing her go through what I've been through gives me great confidence that where I am going is correct, and this motivates me to become even stronger. So that I can be there for her at each step of the way.

The way she manages my ego and emotions is even more attractive. Behind every successful man, there is a smart women. The way she understands what I say, how I feel already make me feel blessed. But she takes it even further when she is able to understand how I feel even before I say anything. This kind of sensitivity tells me how much she cares, and makes me feel well taken care of.

Furthermore, she is even smart and emotionally sensitive enough to tell me things which I needs to listen in a way which I would accept it. She can even use my own philosophy to remind me to stay true to myself.

Some time down the road, I will face dark times, I will be depressed - my dark emotional, arrogant, sarcastic and passive aggressive self will reveal itself. The gentle giant may rage into a rampaging and trashing gigantic demon. But I know she knows how to handle my devil, and sayang it back into the gentle giant that I am for her.

Her never ending dreamy aspirations reminds me of my desire to fly, but never did fly due to my decision to stay on the ground. For her, I am the anchor reminding her to keep going back to basics. For me, she is the reason why I will always need to hold my ground strongly, be the strong base for her, 做她最安全的避風港.

Be objective, be composed

Things happen, good or bad. Sometimes for a reason, sometimes for no reason at all. It's how you decide to react to it that determines its effect on you.

Being sarcastic and passive aggressive about things does not solve anything. It makes things worse. I've learned this the hard way, as usual.

Always stay objective. Underpaid? Unappreciated? But no way to change things in the current environment?

Work hard to change what you can, or change the environment. But work silently in the background. Nobody needs to know what you are planning. There is nothing to show off.

Learn from the water which runs deep and violent under the ocean, yet show nothing but peace and calm on the surface. Plan wisely, quietly, prudently; strike in a sudden sweep and strike hard like the tsunami.

Lessons from work

I've been behaving like an idiot, a spoiled kid at work. Very unprofessional, jeopardizing my own progress.

Remember, the really powerful ones are those who strike without making a sound. Empty vessels really do make the most noise. I must learn to be more restrained, still and deep like the ocean. 深藏不露 is the key to success.

Keep information to yourself. The more you know, the better, but others do not need to know. Don't even go about verifying your intel. Listen, observe, and don't say a word.

Keep your emotions to yourself. No matter how unhappy you are about your job, keep it to yourself. No matter what happens, never show your emotions at work, especially negativity. It portrays a bad image of yourself.

Still haven't learned to keep your mouth shut

Think you're smart? Think you're popular?
Think going around shooting your mouth off, being a sarcastic smart aleck is cool?

You were being used.

Information that you knew were leaked to you on purpose.
Others were trying to use your big mouth to spread rumors, and you fell right into the trap.

Every move you make, every step you take, every word you speak, people are watching you, judging you.

Watch yourself, watch your words, 檢點一點。

Don't get yourself unwanted attention. Keep information to yourself. Listen more, talk less.
You may think that no one is listening, but the fact is, everyone is silently judging you without you knowing. Just because they don't say, doesn't mean they don't know. And when they know more about you than you know it, you are giving them strength, and rendering yourself weak.

是我想太多

事情往往沒有我想的那麽複雜。所有的問題都是自己想出來的。

Assuming the worst possible scenario is the weakest form of self defense. You try to prepare yourself for the worst, then tell yourself to accept it, and it doesn't matter.

Sometimes, all you need to do is ask. Information is the most powerful tool. Lack of information is your worst nightmare. I tried to fill in gaps of information with horrid imagination, making it seem like the worst possible scenario.

But this is not only damaging to yourself, but damaging to other parties involved as well. You are essentially making assumptions and judgement of people, deciding things for them even before they do. It is not a fair judgement; it is not what they want or what they would have chosen. You did not respect their rights in the involvement.

At the same time, you bring yourself down to the lowest and label yourself "un-kill-able" as you have already brought yourself to the lowest, and they can't put you down anymore. No expectations = no disappointments, right? Seriously, bullshit. This is again a weak way of defending your emotions. by conceding defeat before the fight, you deny others of "winning". But the biggest loser is your own self. You have already lost respect of yourself, how would you expect others to respect you?

So please, do yourself a favor. Before you go around assuming, judging and making decisions for others, please ask them for their side of the story and their opinions first. Learn to respect others, learn to respect yourself.

心如直水

以平常心去應對生命中的每一個低潮。

人生本來就是沒有意義的。

既然沒有意義，又何處來的憂愁?

既然已經決定了，再在意就是不對。

而且結果其實已經早就猜到了。

別再想了。

最大的願望就是悄悄地從地球表面消失

我okay的，我永遠衹是個可有可無的配角，我習慣的做著可有可無的配角。

Stand and fight, rise up to the challenge

Here's what challenging yourself is about: whenever you start to think that something cannot be done, throw yourself into the other side, seek out ways to do it and defeat the side of you which said it cannot be done.

There are a million ways which things can fail, and only few ways to succeed. Manage the ways which things can fail so that their risks reduce to the minimum. Seek out the few ways to succeed and focus on them until you succeed.

Things do not fail until they do. Failures cannot affect you until you let them. Have no fear, don't worry about failures. Focusing on lose rates consumes you and you develop a habit of giving up so that you won't get disappointed.

Don't count your eggs before they are hatched

I realized why I was spending recklessly.

I was spending like I have that kind of paycheck before it come.
I did not manage my expectations right.

"Decide the lifestyle you want to lead and fight for the paycheck to sustain it" is a dangerous way of living.

You may be biting off more than you can chew.

To think of it, I may not even be ready for that kind of stress and effort required.

錢，原來真的很重要

Declined a job job offer because it didn't meet my 20% increment. Reasons are clear and correct, and the job does have a lot of risks involved. But it felt like I have just lost money. Although it didn't meet the 20%, the increment is still very good - and it would have put me 3 years ahead of schedule to meet that magic number.

This made me reflect on the way I have been spending money. I have been throwing money away. 做老板 anyhow open bottle, over drinking until go hospital, buying luxurious new stuff, randomly agreeing to go overseas without thinking. I thought that getting a car is a waste of money, but the way I'm spending money is even worse.

I realized that I may not be as open minded about money as I thought. I realized that actually 我把錢看得挺重的. Spending money without thinking is not something I can afford.

But further thinking made me realize that I have been slack and lazy, I have not put in my 100% - not even 50%.  I would like to blame my 損友s for always going early happy hours instead of working, but I realized that I have only myself to blame for leading this kind of lifestyle and drinking excessively. The time wasted by this lifestyle is not just the time spent drinking, but also the overhead caused by energy drain of drinking.

Go work at 11am, talk cock for 1 hour, go for 2 hours lunch from 12-2pm, meeting for 2 hours 2-4pm, go drink kopi or early happy hour from 4pm onward. 這樣的生活很爽吧?

What the fuck, seriously what the fuck was I thinking?

I spent much of my time slacking off and not working at all. Go drinking 3-4 times a week. So much time and money wasted. Once again, seriously, what the fuck?

Once again, with the compliments which I have been getting, I became too full of myself, I was complacent. It is true that 50% of my effort is better than 100% of others, but I let myself down by not fulfilling my potential. Remember, always remember that you should live out your full potential.

Fortunately, I realized this problem early, even though a lot of money has been wasted. Time to put myself back together and stay focused and disciplined.

Don't decide for others before they do

Do not assume that other's decision would be the worst case scenario.
It's just a weak way of managing your expectations so that you won't get disappointed.
In doing so, you are actually making that decision for them.
This may jeopardize the outcome and make it as bad as what you assumed it to be.

90KG

Made record today, for the first time in like 6 years, my weight is 90.0 KG.

Persistance, perseverance, conviction.

Active lifestyle has been really good for me. Generally more motivated and energetic.

No need for special workout, just daily quick exercises. Once right after waking up, once before going to sleep.

24× pushup
16× bicycle crunch
36× hip raise
20× leg raise
12× side crunch (per side)
20× reverse pushup

Numbers are weird, somehow I can do quite a number of hip raises, but weak in the bicycle crunch. But these numbers are already double of what I can do when I first started.

Keep on moving, keep on improving.

Ego is a sign of weakness

Ego is a weakness. The need of self justification stems from insecurity.

You will find peace if you can truly let go of your ego.

Don't ask why, ask why not

Some times you really should be asking why not instead of why.

If you ask why, it would be difficult to find reasons to do what you are supposed to do, then laziness kicks in and you end up generating excuses to avoid doing it.

If you ask why not, you will find that the excuses which are preventing you from doing it is weak. These excuses will then shatter and your path ahead will be cleared.

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits (Part 2)

I have always been an impatient person.

I am objective oriented and have always been able to see what is there at the end of the line.

However, that precious foresight which I have becomes my poison.

Being able to see the end made life boring, made me feel like I am just waiting for time to pass, and there is no purpose in life since I have already anticipated the endpoint scenarios.

Little did I realize how wrong I was to neglect the process. I thought that process is pointless and the result is everything. But I had not realize that it is the process which makes me who I am – life is about getting there, wherever “there” is isn’t the point.

I once said that “You will learn patience when you learn to qualify the rewards at the end of the line.”

But that is not the whole part - patience is really about perseverance in spending the effort to reach that end.

I have always been trying to take shortcuts in life, and my very intelligence has enabled that. But sometimes there are no shortcuts, most relevant example is love. You have to take one step at a time to get closer and learn about each other.

If the other person is not ready, keep up the effort to make sure that when she is ready, you are there.

She needs time to close her previous wound, and she needs time to grow on you.

I used to think that “it’s either we will be together or we will not, might as well just dive straight in”. This cannot be more wrong. And this is precisely the mistake I have made in my previous relationship, and wasted 3.5 years of our time.

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.

This  means that in whatever you do, you have to put your best foot forward and have the patience to see it through the end. Things that you want will then come to you naturally.

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits

Sir Thomas Edison, you are a genius. The answer was there all along, summarized in a concise line.

To me, this is the most accurate description of patience. Patience is not about waiting for things to happen, but about having the perserverance to press on and keep up the effort until the results come.

Good things come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle.
But not everything can be hustled.
Love is one of them.
So you must wait.

But while you wait, you should hustle and continue to put in effort, so that it will eventually come to you (instead of someone else).

爲了光輝嵗月

天地間任我展翅高飛
雖説那是天真的預言

風中揮舞狂亂的雙手
寫下燦爛的詩篇
不管有多麽疲倦
潮來潮往世界多變遷
迎接光輝嵗月
爲它一生奉獻

I'm in control

I used to feed on negativity. But little did I know, it was feeding on me, and it consumed me from the inside.

Now I know that it is not zero that I am looking for.

Just because I was afraid of failure and disappointment, I tried to detach myself from all feelings; I did not allow myself to be happy because I was afraid that happiness would be taken away from me.

But now I know that I was wrong.

Happy is good, I have the rights and I should go all out and enjoy every moment of joy.

It is the negativity which I need to control; now I have finally identified the true enemy, and now I can finally stand up against it.

Now I will control negativity, I will not let it affect me anymore.

Empower yourself

Why do you feel sad?

Did something not go your way?
Did you expect it to go your way?
Did you not expect that the result would be a possible scenario?

While there are no reasons to be happy, there is no actual reason to be sad too.
Remember that there is nothing. There is literally nothing.
If you start with nothing, and you end with nothing, then what is there to care about?
If you care for nothing, then what is there to be sad about?

If you understand and remember this, you will feel the stillness of deep water, and whatever happened is just a small disturbance which would ultimately fade away.

Manage your emotions.
Mood management is about managing the lows.
Happy is good, when you feel happy, just enjoy your happiness.
It's the lows which needs to be managed, because they seep into your core and poison you from within.
It's how you manage your low emotions that matters.

Remember how good you are, how far you have came, and the things which you can achieve that others cannot even hope to dream of.
Things are not that hard when you realize there is nothing that cannot be done.
You can do anything.

Furthermore, since you have nothing better to do, do something.

Drop all your troubles, worries and sorrows; live the moment.
放下所有烦恼，享受现在生命在这一刻 ，活在当下。

原諒我這一生不羈放縱愛自由

Pain is good for you

Pain is good, pain is a sign that your body is reacting to the conditions.

Be it psychological or physical, pain is your body bitching about what you are going through.

Remember this: no pain, no gain.

Through all the pain, you will emerge a better and stronger person.

What that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Success is really like lottery

Why do people buy the lottery?
Do they really expect to win with such a slim chance?

No. It's because if they don't buy, the chance of winning is zero.

There's a million ways things can fail, and only few ways it can succeed.

But if you don't do it, there is no way to succeed.

So don't say there's no point just because chances are slim.
Carpe diem, just do it.
You have nothing to lose.

Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do.

Stay focused

Set your goals, don't stop until you have achieved them.

I will stop at nothing until I achieved my goals.

Manage your time, your work, not manage your expectations.
Expect only the best of yourself.

I have no idea how to do it, but I will do it.
I will find ways and means to do it, and stop at nothing until I have done it.

Stop giving up

There are a million ways that things can fail.

The only way that you can succeed is through determination, conviction, and commitment.

I'm a man who is very hard to kill

I'm like a cockroach.

You can keep trying to bring me down, but I will keep coming back up.

Set your goals, find ways to achieve it. It's that simple.

Decide what you want to do, then find means to do it.
Decide what you want to have, then find ways to have it.

If you keep thinking about your current status, you will never move.

This is an extension of Do not let your paycheck determine your lifestyle

You cannot change the world.

But why would you want to change the world?

I say fuck the world, care about yourself.

Gaining perspective from others

Once in a while, you meet people who have been through so much more than you that you start reflecting on your own life.

Looking at what others have been through really gives you perspective on your own life.

My life is relatively smooth, I hardly had to fight for anything and things come to me naturally.
With an intelligence like mine, I'm practically living life with a cheat code.

Hence, the source of my frustration really comes from within: me being a little bitch.

If you keep racing against others and counting things which you lack, you would only find misery.

I've said it before, but I didn't actually understand what it means.
It seems you really need to get a feel of the shit others went through to get a feel of how blessed your life is.

Pessimism was a defence mechanism, but the actual concept should really be 要得过且过才好过

Nobody understands you (Part 2)

If you used your perspective to judge others' lives, it would not make sense to them.

Same logic for the vice versa.
That's why it feels like nobody ever understand how you feel, what you are going through.

What you need then, is someone with similar perspective as you.

Don't think about changing the world

Who am I to change the world if I cannot even help myself?
Changes start with you.

Sometimes "because you can" is a good reason

My motivation? I am ridiculously good, if I can't do it, no one else can.

Drawing strength from negativity

How do you kill a man who is already dead inside?

My strength does not come from mindless optimism or motivation; my strength comes from the fact that I am already dead. Each day that passes, everything that I achieve is already a bonus.

When you try to put me down, you can't. I can't go any lower.

Nobody understands you

Nobody understands you, but it's not their fault, neither is it yours.
Different people just have different perspective. Period.

I can't force others to see the world the way that I do.
I will face my world alone, and hope that others will never need to spend a moment in that world.

Feeling lonely?

What you're missing isn't her. It's the companionship of having someone to hold.

Don't fight pointless battles

Don't clash ego with someone you cannot win.
Smart alec responses can have disastrous consequences.

People don't like to hear the truth

People don't like it when you point out that they are stupid.
People don't like to hear the truth, they like to hear what they want to hear.

We accept the truth which we choose to believe.

I do because I can

I don't know what I'm doing, I do because I can.
I'm hoping that my life would make sense of itself.

既然決定了一個人走，爲何還一直依依不捨，猶豫不決？

I guess it's really hard to be contented with life when you don't know what you are looking for.

This is how we do things

Right or wrong doesn't matter. Best Practice doesn't matter. "In the long run" doesn't matter.

Ignore the underlying problem, don't care about the root cause, continue to apply break-fix patches to alleviate the surface issues.

When new problems arise, just keep applying surface break-fix patches to un-problemize them.

Because it's not your job to care, you are not being paid or recognized to do things beyond your own bowl. Why puke blood to do the right thing?

It's not as simple as switching it off

So much misery, that dying would actually be a blessing to me. But how do I drop off this load of misery?

Could my problems be self-created? Perhaps.

But how do you un-create them when these feels so real right now?

Do not concern yourself with things which are outside your circle of influence. Yet these things have a habit of concerning you.

Even if you manage to avoid them once or twice, they will come back to you again during the quiet nights where your mind starts to wonder.

要如何放下？

Be the bigger person

Remember that sarcasm never helps. Don't win a battle just to soothe your ego, and make everything in the future difficult.

Even in the event where it is a clear win in the argument, do not insult your opponent. Be the bigger person, let your opponent lose graciously.

Never ever offend someone just to win, it is never beneficial in the long run.

萬事留一綫，日後好相見。

Have some pride

It's common to want to feel good about yourself.

Unfortunately, the way to do it may not always be an honorable one. Don't put others in an awkward position just to boost your own ego. Putting others down to lift yourself up is despicable.

If you want some pride, do and achieve something worthy of your ego.

Move to the other side

There is always 2 sides (or more) to things. As a natural skeptic, it has always been easy to point out problems, dangers, risks to anything.

Let's have a little change, since it is so convenient to identify the negativity, it should be just a simple thing to flip it around and look at the other side.

Make the effort to switch. I will be the one who sees the silver lining in every dark cloud.

Clear vision

Feeling depressed? Feeling low? Stay focused, remind yourself that this is not a race against others. If you race against others, you are bound to lose, bound to feel bad for what you lack of.

What you lack of is not something that you can control, but what you do for yourself is entirely up to you.

Remember that the only person you are racing aginst is yourself. You may want to give up and feel that since it's only you, it doesn't matter whether you keep up or not. But that is precisely the problem, when you give up on yourself, you are not giving yourself any respect, you end up feeling even worse for yourself, and that is the loop of negativity reinforcement.

Break out of that loop, tell yourself that you will keep moving for yourself, not for anyone else. As long as you keep putting one feet ahead of another, you will keep on moving.

Time to change

I've been called many things: genius, promising young man, smart and fast learner, one who rises up to any challenge. The point is, I have achievements and abilities which many would die for. But why am I unhappy?

I realized it is a matter of perspective: seeing it half empty or half full really does make a difference. The worse of it is, I was trying to justify my pessimism with realism. That was no realism at all, I am fucked up, I am broken.

But I want to get better. There will be no help, because there are no one else good enough to convince my stubborn ass. But why do I need help from others? I already have the best one my side: me. As long as I can convince myself, I will pick myself up. I will fight to be an optimistic, forwarding looking man, who focus on solutions rather than problems, opportunities rather than risks.

I will use my source of negativity as the source of energy. My new optimism shall be the strongest as it is based on my previous pessimism. Putting the baseline at zero, every single step will be an achievement, and it compels you to move forward. Every little thing that you have will be a treasure.

PS. Sometimes, a person's smile, insight to someone's life can make you realize so much. It doesn't matter if the relationship works out in the end, because you have already gained something more important for yourself.

天下无不散之宴席。曲终人散后，梦醒了，才了解自己只不过是普通人一个。

Do not let your paycheck determine your lifestyle

Instead, choose the kind of life you want to lead, and fight for the paycheck to sustain it.

Try

Try: a three letter word which is also probably the biggest and most important. If you try, you stand a chance; if you don't the chance is zero. Simple concept which is easy to understand, but immersely impossible to practise.

Be it the fear of failure or whatever other factors, it is always easier to say that there is no point trying. Because if you don't try, you cannot fail. Zero expectation equals zero disappoontment.

My new found freedom has widened my perspective for several things. Trying is one of them. If I think that my life is expendable, why am I afraid of losing?

To others, it seems that I  often up to the challenge, doing things that others fear. But the fact is, I am better at estimating risks, that's all. Risks which I took are almost always calculated risks, I knew how to win, and I knew exactlty what to say if I lost.

Now, it is time to step out, step up, and go to places which I have never been before.

I don't understand life

每當夜深人靜時，心裏又湧起了莫名的傷。心聲有誰聽，心痛有誰懂？

Everyone sees me as the happy-go-lucky guy – always smiling, laughing, and joking. 心中的無奈有誰知？And there is nothing much I can do but to laugh at everything, even at myself. What else can I do?

Perhaps I am really too greedy, keep on asking for more. Looking at my facebook and blog posts few years back, I have indeed made quite a fair bit of progress. And on a side note, in the previous struggle between ah beng and atas, I actually went on the path of atas unknowingly. But still in my life, I am not at all fulfilled, it feels empty no matter what I do. How do you look for something that you do not know what you are looking for?

Perhaps life is just like that. I’m really sick and tired of life, yet too afraid to die. Meanwhile I can only keep living the way I do, for what else is there left to do?

遇強則強

There are only 2 kinds of reaction when you get into a tough situation: give up, or fight harder.

I guess it's time I realize that I have been a whiny little bitch. With a pessimistic nature, I tend to focus on problems faster than opportunities.

When met with a tough adversary, I tend to conclude that there is no way to win and give up. The funny thing is, I thought I believe in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Turns out doing what you preach is really hard, and you may not realize that you are not doing what you preach sometimes.

From now on, I have to keep reminding myself to stand and fight. Always stand and fight.

If you conclude that you cannot win each time you see a stronger opponent, you will always be running away. If you run turn away from the fight, you throw away any chance of winning; if you stand and fight, you would still stand a chance, no matter how small. In the end of the day, even if you lose, you would be glad that at least you tried.

Keep the faith

Putting faith in people is the first and deepest mistake that you would ever make - this idea stems from the countless disappointments I have experienced in people.

Yet life is ironic: you cannot do everything alone. Everybody needs support in some point of their life.

The key then, is finding the right people to trust, and keeping the faith that you will be able to find them.

Once too often, people are bound to betray your trust, but that should not be the deterrence to your faith. If you give up on humanity, the real person that you gave up on is yourself.

Keep the faith, and hope that you can find the worthy ones.

When you are down low, keep the faith, and hope that things will get better.

Saw your mail

Yes, we can still be friends.

Never allow short term conditions to affect long term plans

Always identify if your problems are temporary. If they are temporary, manage it, and do not let it swing your direction which will affect your long term plans.

The breakup

Well I guess she should have stopped reading this blog after the harsh meetup we had the last time, it’s time to do a quick summary of why this breakup happened. There are 2 main parts of it: physical and emotional.

I just do not feel that kind of intimacy with her. I suppose the problem of initiating physical contact is common for Singaporean girls, but seriously, it is a problem. Man, as the hornier part of the relationship, would tend to be the one to initiate action in the bedroom. However, a relationship requires mutual effort, the girl should find out and pay attention to things that will make your man tick. He should not be doing a knowledge transfer of what he likes you to do – he might as well write you a user manual. Play your part – ask and find out what are the right buttons to push. I did my part to learn what turns a women on, I know more about women physiology than she does, I do not understand why she can't do the same. To make things worse, she has a problem in taking initiative in the first place, not just in this aspect.

I did something wrong – once. I’m not proud of it, out of temptation, out of curiosity, out of fun – whatever it was, I did it. It did not quite go the way I expected it, somewhat disappointing, but it showed me something important. The final piece that I thought I would look forward to, is not so fantastic. It was not the thing that I thought was missing.

If you fall in love with a second person, pick the second one – because if you truly loved the first, you would not have fallen for the second one. This is painfully true. I have always been saying “如果在家没吃饱，男人就会在外面吃”, coincidentally, there’s a similar English version of this advice to girls: “keep you man’s balls empty”. Granted, it is pretty much an excuse, but the truth is, if a man strays the women has a part to play. If your man is not fulfilled, he is bound to find something that satisfies him.

For the record, no – I did not develop further with the second person after the breakup.

Now the second part: emotional issues. I have mentioned this so much that I feel like an old naggy woman: there is no intelligence (and emotional) compatibility between the both of us. We simply don’t find the same interest: what I find significance in, she doesn’t seem to care or understand; what she finds significance in, I think that they are small and superficial. We simply can’t discuss anything at all. When I’m talking about how something works, why it is this way, how it can be used, how it affected or can affect other things, she is still talking about what it is. She never thinks further.

Working and living in a job like mine, my progress in terms of personal and character development is exponential. In a job like hers, most of what she do is repetitive. Yet she finds it challenging to even keep up with basic technicalities of her job. This means that the gap that already exist will only widen further with time.

The most painful part of the breakup is, I did not breakup because of dispute. That means that the love is still attaching both our hearts, and I had to tear it from the flesh and blood. That’s precisely how it feels.

I agree that the kind of girl that I am looking for is almost impossible to find, but even if she does exist (and available), I would not be a viable candidate to her. Women of intelligence are rare, and they tend to have a habit to proving their intelligence to you. Furthermore, I’m not exactly the kind of guy who would satisfy this kind of women – notice it’s the other way around? I have scored some achievements, but I have always been a big fish in a small pond. In order words, I’m “above average” at best – never the best. Intelligent, strong and independent women would be looking out for man who are strong than them. Even if I manage to maintain the confident front, I am still emotionally unstable and needy in the private space.

But this should not be the reason to be together with her. This isn’t fair to her as I’m treating her as a spare tire, a backup plan. I have wasted 3.5 years of a young girl’s life; I should just be glad that I have finally gathered the courage to put a stop to this mistake. The rest of the problems are mine alone to handle. Drifting, lost, and fighting alone, but at least I am not dragging an innocent party down.

Knowledge and acceptance are different

Knowing the answer and accepting the consequences of the answer are entirely separate issues.

The answer, which is derived from most optimal logic, may result in consequences which is painful to handle.

Interesting, the answers for three of my recent questions are all "no".

It was the most logical decision, but when the question is answered, you are tempted to think of the scenarios on the other side.

Isn't life just like this? Giving up one thing for another because it is the "right" thing to do, yet somehow you hope you could have chosen the thing you gave up.

Oh god why does it hurt so much

I don't understand love at all.

If it was painful to be together, why does it hurt so much when we are finally apart?

Why must two hearts that love each other so much have to be apart?

The urge to come back is so strong, yet I know that it is wrong to carry on the mistake.

I wish that I have never loved before.

Love is a game that I cannot afford to play.

Live through the pain

Live through the pain, remember that this is better for the both of you.

長痛不如短痛。

Yes, the bear and other things brings much sadness.
At the spur of the moment, you might be inclined to think that it is alright, it is not that bad, there must be a way, I really miss her, I don't care I just want to be with her.

But remember why it can't work. Remember the reasons why it cannot carry on.
Remember that it will only hurt more if you continue with this mistake.

Do not think about how much sadness 宝宝 and 熊熊 can cause.
Do not think about how she is taking it.
Do not think about maybe I should give her a chance.
Do not think about she would try harder this time, and it will work out now.

The fact that this relationship has reached this stage, means that none of the above should mean anything.

Recognize and remember that this relationship cannot work out.
When you start thinking about all those times you had together, think about the frustration you had instead.

The bucket list is long...
Her language is pathetic. You love to and have the need to play with language, get grammar correct. She cannot even say proper sentences without pausing to think. Her brain works in shortcuts, shorting to the nearest approximate words to everything.
She do not understand what you are saying almost all the time.
She has no interests other than interest for food.
She is pathetically passive, waiting for things to happen.
She complains about things like she is helpless, yet situations she complains about are actually small things she can change; she complains instead of taking action.
She doesn't get your jokes/hints/philosophies.
Things that you find funny, she doesn't find them funny, she doesn't even understand what they are talking about most of the time.
She doesn't get what is it that you want.
She is immature and childish, and won't grow up because she doesn't see a need to.
The way she handles and plans things makes your blood boil.
She has no plans.
She don't bother to read up, even if she does, she doesn't understand.
She actively reject your teachings.
She finds significance in things that you don't care about, vice versa.
She cares about things only on the surface and doesn't look beyond the surface.
She fails to understand second level logic and the references (both funny and not) that you make and hence unable to link things together.
She doesn't appreciate or understand the beauty of certain stories, and you had to explain story-lines to her.
She is a conversation terminator; she replies everything with orh and never think about anything further.
She focuses on the wrong things in Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Imitation Game.
She possess traits that you would define as failure in most of your philosophies.
When you find something funny but when you show it to her, she doesn't understand it at all.
She is so insensitive and passive that she doesn't know how to initiate intimacy.
She doesn't understand what you mean, the problem you have, what you are going through, and hence zero support.
When you go swimming, every other girl is more attractive; when you see other couples; you actually feel jealous.
She doesn't get what you would like to see her dressed in even when you literally told her.
She didn't listen when you explain about things, but only listen when it is posted by someone else online..
You never could relate any lyrics of love songs to her
She does not offer the support, the "Joe you can do it" that you so desperately need..
She looks up to you as a mentor for guidance, but you don't get any form of support from her except her telling you how helpless she is. Relationship is about mutual support..
You don't feel fulfilled in the relationship..
You never really felt the intimacy with her..
Remember that when you really wanted to cry, you didn't cry in front of her.
The strongest person may have the deepest insecurities, she did not see or understand that at all..

What I'm really looking for, is a girl who I can cry in front of, and tell me that "it's alright, I understand what you are going through, and we will face this together". And vice versa, I would be able to do the same for her.

So don't go bother yourself to think about how she's doing, how she's taking it, how she sad would be. Focus on getting yourself better and moving on. She is not your responsibility anymore, you can finally let it go.

Life is meaningless (part 3)

Understanding that life is meaningless is one thing, but living like you don't care is another.

Understanding something doesn't mean that you would not be affected by it.

However, the irony between understanding and feeling brings another revelation.

Precisely because life have no meaning, things that you feel something about tells you clearly that you are affected by it.

Things that you care about then becomes clear.

These tell you a lot more about yourself than you ever knew.

I have always been trying to ignore my emotions and act like I do not care about anything. This is a defence mechanism to act like I will never be affected by anything. But the fact that some things do hurt shows that I am capable of feeling.

I used to think that I am heartless, now I know for a fact that I am not. I may be cold towards certain things, but there are still things which I am affected by emotionally.