The breakup

Well I guess she should have stopped reading this blog after the harsh meetup we had the last time, it’s time to do a quick summary of why this breakup happened. There are 2 main parts of it: physical and emotional.

I just do not feel that kind of intimacy with her. I suppose the problem of initiating physical contact is common for Singaporean girls, but seriously, it is a problem. Man, as the hornier part of the relationship, would tend to be the one to initiate action in the bedroom. However, a relationship requires mutual effort, the girl should find out and pay attention to things that will make your man tick. He should not be doing a knowledge transfer of what he likes you to do – he might as well write you a user manual. Play your part – ask and find out what are the right buttons to push. I did my part to learn what turns a women on, I know more about women physiology than she does, I do not understand why she can't do the same. To make things worse, she has a problem in taking initiative in the first place, not just in this aspect.

I did something wrong – once. I’m not proud of it, out of temptation, out of curiosity, out of fun – whatever it was, I did it. It did not quite go the way I expected it, somewhat disappointing, but it showed me something important. The final piece that I thought I would look forward to, is not so fantastic. It was not the thing that I thought was missing.

If you fall in love with a second person, pick the second one – because if you truly loved the first, you would not have fallen for the second one. This is painfully true. I have always been saying “如果在家没吃饱，男人就会在外面吃”, coincidentally, there’s a similar English version of this advice to girls: “keep you man’s balls empty”. Granted, it is pretty much an excuse, but the truth is, if a man strays the women has a part to play. If your man is not fulfilled, he is bound to find something that satisfies him.

For the record, no – I did not develop further with the second person after the breakup.

Now the second part: emotional issues. I have mentioned this so much that I feel like an old naggy woman: there is no intelligence (and emotional) compatibility between the both of us. We simply don’t find the same interest: what I find significance in, she doesn’t seem to care or understand; what she finds significance in, I think that they are small and superficial. We simply can’t discuss anything at all. When I’m talking about how something works, why it is this way, how it can be used, how it affected or can affect other things, she is still talking about what it is. She never thinks further.

Working and living in a job like mine, my progress in terms of personal and character development is exponential. In a job like hers, most of what she do is repetitive. Yet she finds it challenging to even keep up with basic technicalities of her job. This means that the gap that already exist will only widen further with time.

The most painful part of the breakup is, I did not breakup because of dispute. That means that the love is still attaching both our hearts, and I had to tear it from the flesh and blood. That’s precisely how it feels.

I agree that the kind of girl that I am looking for is almost impossible to find, but even if she does exist (and available), I would not be a viable candidate to her. Women of intelligence are rare, and they tend to have a habit to proving their intelligence to you. Furthermore, I’m not exactly the kind of guy who would satisfy this kind of women – notice it’s the other way around? I have scored some achievements, but I have always been a big fish in a small pond. In order words, I’m “above average” at best – never the best. Intelligent, strong and independent women would be looking out for man who are strong than them. Even if I manage to maintain the confident front, I am still emotionally unstable and needy in the private space.

But this should not be the reason to be together with her. This isn’t fair to her as I’m treating her as a spare tire, a backup plan. I have wasted 3.5 years of a young girl’s life; I should just be glad that I have finally gathered the courage to put a stop to this mistake. The rest of the problems are mine alone to handle. Drifting, lost, and fighting alone, but at least I am not dragging an innocent party down.