I can only say "I'm sorry"

Just seen this comic on 9gag recently.

This brought back so much memories, and the sorrow which came along with it.

I remember the time we had together back in school.

I remember she used to travel weekly to come over to my place, when I hated going over to hers.

Now I realize that it must have been so tiring and painful for her, yet she chose to come over anyway.

I knew she looked forward to our phone call every night, but I found it tedious as it was taking too much of my time.

I remember the cooking that we use to do together - making food that each other love.

I used to dread those "stupid new recipes", yet I failed to realize her love for me.

She had me always on her mind, yet I was pursuing other things in life.

She tried so hard to get close and comfort me during that period of my life.

But the fact of the matter is, she doesn't understand that no matter how hard she tried, she cannot get to me.

Love is not about effort, it's about compatibility.

She tried, and tried so hard - she deserve to be happy.

I've moved on twice now, I really hope she is doing well.

I really hope she finds someone who appreciates her love.

My first love, if you're still reading my blog, this I have to say to you again: I'm sorry.

Always remember why you started

Things have been crazily hectic since I started on this new role. Once in a while, I'd start to wonder whether this has been a good move.

The challenges on the job has been tremendous, the bosses are demanding and unappreciative, the rewards are yet to be seen, the future is uncertain. These are definitely discouraging and really made me question myself.

But always remember why you started.

You took this up to build a name for yourself. To lead and groom a team which recognizes your care. To be a face that everyone will come to know. This has not and will not change. Your bosses may not understand your effort; they care solely about the number - this is sales after all. But you are on a separate mission; the focus is not the petty politics on these small start-ups - the focus is to build yourself up.

The thing I must protect

There is no meaning in life, you are the one who chooses what you want and give it meaning.

I have chosen family; it will always be at my core.
It seems I have been given a chance to try again, I hope don't screw up this time.

Do not say or do stupid things which you know will end up hurting those who are important to you.
Think before you act, do not do things out of temptations, convenience or curiosity.

You've made mistakes in the past which has caused bad enough repercussions, do not do stupid things again.

Think before you speak, do not say things out of spite or to get attention.
Words which come out at the spur of the moment doesn't help, it can cause hurt and make a crack in relationships.

Do not say things which you don't actually mean it.

Love is an emotion, relationship is a commitment

A relationship often begin because of love. But what happens when love runs out?
It's not always sunshine and roses in a relationship, there are storms and hardships as well.
Everyone knows this theory, but not everyone understands it.

A relationship requires maintenance. Constant, consistent, and honest communication between each other is key to staying together.
Again, everyone knows this theory, but at the same time, everyone thinks that they have put in enough, it's their partner who needs to put in more effort.

Love stories give an illusion that if it's meant to be, my partner should notice or know what I'm going through.
But none of us are mind readers, we see the world and understand it through our own perspective.
Nobody will understand you unless you tell them honestly how you feel.
Forget the mind games, guessing, and hinting - nobody will catch they hints if they don't know that it was a hint.

I was in a relationship where we promised to be honest, to be open to each other, to work together.
But my honesty was being doubted, my past mistakes were held against me, my character was untrusted.
It was to the extent that my sincerity was ignored, and I was judged for material things which are unwise to pursue at this stage of life.
In the end, my efforts were taken for granted, and it became a one-sided maintenance.

Hints and sarcasm are bad ways to communicate. It creates a barrier between people.
I don't know if it was the nature of her character, or it was a reaction to my sarcastic amd skeptical nature.
Regardless, we ended up engaging in hidden war of trying to influence and change each other.
It actually doesn't take that much time to know a person, but it takes time for love to run out and acknowledge the problems.

So do yourself a favor: be honest, and mean what you say.
If you are honest to each other, there is no need to guess at all.
Do not second guess your partner's words, do not be skeptical and doubt their motives and intentions.

It is really our own responsibility to communicate to each other - so that they how what we're thinking, and how we feel.
And in turn, it is a mutual respect and responsibility to not judge or be over senstive about what each other says.

Always keep an open mind

One more time: do not judge, do not assume, do not over think.

It is not what actually happens which brings 2 person apart, it's our perspective of it which pushes each other away.

This time, I should truly learn to not second guess people's motives, to not jump to conclusions about people's actions.

Putting your heart in others' hands is a truly dangerous thing to do. It's an act of trust initially, but can lead to defensiveness in the end. If you build a wall around it at the slightest sign of hurt, it is going to be an emotional barrier which is really hard to cross.

I've been hurt before, but that was the past. I should not judge others based on the negativity I have been through, it is not fair to them.

Treat people with fairness, let them into your life.

When in doubt, ask - don't assume.
Treat each other with honesty; remove the guessing between you and your partner.

You never actually stop loving someone

The places you've been to, the food that you've ate, the things that you've done, the habits developed when you were together - each and everything which has a connection will remind you of her.

Having been through 2 relationships now, I realized that you never actually stop loving someone. The relationships may have ended, but the moments and love shared are still deep in your heart.

It brings a deep sorrow to be going through things which reminds you of the love you used to have. Because you know that it can only be a memory and nothing more. Because you will start questioning if the relationship could have worked. Because you will reach the same conclusion that it wouldn't have worked, yet again. Because you will miss her all over again.

You may wish to go back in time to undo everything. You may wish to remove everything from memory. But you know that these are valuable to you - you will want to keep it. They are part of you.

Each of these little moments was part of your journey which helped defining who you are right now. Do not be sad that the times together are over - be happy that you were together before. Do not deny the effect and influence, and the lessons you have learned from them - embrace all of these as a part of you.

To both of you, I thank you for being in part of my life. I thank you for your courage in choosing to love me. I'm sorry for leaving you in the end. I was young, I was inexperienced, I did not know how to love. But both of you taught me how to love, how loving and to be loved feels like.

Drawing from these lessons, I know I will become a better person, I know clearer what I am looking for, I know better how to appreciate my partner, I know how to love her better, and most importantly, hopefully, I'd know how not to hurt her.

80KG

I first began my weight loss journey around June of 2015.
I was 96KG.

The milestone of 90KG was achieved on 28th September 2015.
That was the mark that my weight loss has kicked into motion.

I was steadily losing 2KG per month until I reached around 82KG in January 2016,
Then it got stagnant.

For almost the whole year of 2016, I was stuck at 82KG, unable to meet my next milestone of 80KG.
The closing of 2016 was a life changing turn, with many lessons learned.
The most important lesson of all was dedication.

Today, I finally meet my target of 80.0KG.
This is the proudest moment of my life.

This is a reminder that great things have small beginnings. As I first started my journey, I could hardly do 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups.
Now I'm doing the following daily:
1 set - 6× pull up (aka overhand)
1 set - 6× chin up (aka underhand)
4 set - 8× toes to bar
And I run or swim at 2-3 times weekly.

With my height, the healthy weight should be below 74KG.
My exercises have reached a plateau once again, as nasty headaches strike when I tried to push more to my daily regime. I try to make time for run and swim, but my workload is increasing so tremulously that it is quite difficult to squeeze more than 3 times a week.

But the key was never about weight loss or body shape - the key was to get healthy.
My heart is stronger now, my lungs have better breathing capacity.
And as an added bonus, stamina for "important thing" greatly improves with better physical fitness.