I am not a nice guy

Long time no blog. Long post. Emo post.

I am still struggling to identify what kind of person I really am, and what I really want to be.

Even though I pretty much self declared that I’m a giant asshole, I know I’m not quite one.

But I’m not a nice guy either.

I am extremely sarcastic and skeptical, or even cynical. To me, every single person is assumed to be evil unless proven otherwise; every person has a motive to doing everything. When somebody does something nice, there’s a motive behind his/her actions. When a new policy or system is implemented, it’s because people want to either cover their asses, or bring greater benefits to themselves.

Basically, I believe things happen for a reason, and people will only do things for their personal benefit. Perhaps it’s sort of a defensive mechanism; I always see bad points faster than the good ones, and think that the bad points are more significant than the good. I often analyze things until I find something bad about it (cynicism).

Don’t be mistaken. I don’t view the glass as half full, nor half empty. I’ll think of why the glass is filled in the first place.

I am extremely selfish and egoistic, but lazy. I am a perfectionist; I like to win. Many times, I become selfish in the process of trying to win. But process is not important, winning is. Nobody cares how many hours you spent, how much effort you put in. The question is always “How did it go?” The “at least you’ve tried your best” is just a sentence of sympathy. As long as you win, it doesn’t matter how you got there. Morals and ethics are redundant. Money is essential.

My academics is full of crap. Of course I’d love to be on the first class position, who doesn’t? And I did mention I like to win. But I’m far from first class. For perfectionists, it’s either 1 or 0, if you don’t get the best, you simply don’t care.

Some friends said I am reliable, dependent, above average, nice etc. My skeptical nature compels the thought that those comments are just socially obligatory. Nonetheless, thank you, it’s nice to hear positive feedbacks, and I am pretty touched.

But I am not nice. I don’t even know how the idea of “nice” got linked to me. I don’t see anything nice. Sure, I’m pretty smart at times, pretty good at analyzing things at times, but that’s as far as it goes, and those are just 小聰明, I depended on luck most of my life.

Indeed, I did say “don't just hate yourself; work hard to be the person you want to be.” But the fact is I can’t abandon this part of me. Sarcasm and skepticism defines me. There are times which I don’t like the way I’m thinking/commenting about things, but it is an integral part of me, I need it.

My ego and selfishness are actually curbed by quite a bit compared to some years ago. On the surface, I am not as jackass as I was last time, but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m just hiding it, or it has really reduced. I don't know which is my masked self, which is my true self

Living with myself for that long, I don’t even know me.

It’s a love-hate relation which I have with myself.