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Thursday, November 12, 2015

Been away from work recently. 2 weeks of sort-of break allowed me to quieten down and put my work life into perspective.

Silence is gold; keep your mouth shut.

Work is work. Focus on fulfilling the roles and responsibilities of your job. Avoid doing or saying things which are unconstructive towards your career development. Comments which are smart aleck and to soothe your own ego and emotions are unncessary and unprofessional. They serve only as temporary pleasure.

Do not jeopardize your own development just to look smart - you are not being smart at all by saying stupid things.

Remember that still water runs deep. Keep all your emotions and thoughts deep and hidden in your mind. Say and do only those which are helpful to you.

Friday, November 6, 2015

A message to the one I have loved and hurt so much

Hi Alwina,

If you are still reading my blog, you might have known that I have found someone.

While attempting to put away the cards and letters you wrote to me, I read through some of them, and that really brought tears to my eyes. I know that I have already moved on, but going through those words from you still overwhelmed me with emotions. I felt that I have to let you know what I feel.

I realized that I have been really selfish, and the entire breakup was really just all about me not getting what I desire. You actually sensed that we were moving apart as early as last anniversary.

I'm really sorry for giving up on the relationship, especially after hanging on for 3.5 years. I hope that you were really happy during the times we were together. It was painful for me to accept your love, as the more you loved me, the more guilty I am for not being able to accept you for who you are. I truly loved you, and the biggest reason why I hung on to the relationship for such a long time was because I was afraid to see you sad, I was afraid to see you having to lead a life without me. But eventually I realized that we would do much better going in a separate path. 愛一個人就要懂得放手, that's why I chose to let go, I could not see a future with you where we do not hurt each other. I'm sorry.

I really hope you are doing well. I hope you can find someone who loves you, and appreciate you for who you are - appreciate the love that you give to him. I hope you find happiness.

Life has been rocky for me, my job is chaotic as usual, especially now with the uncertainties of me staying or leaving the company. But I know I'll be alright with her.

As we have dated before, and for such a long time, I felt that I should be accountable to you that I have moved on and found someone else, especially after such a short time since our breakup. It was purely coincidence that I met her, and it was like fate that we each have a past which makes us resonate so well together.

Moving forward, there are bound to be more writings on my life, since this blog is to keep track of thoughts and emotions which are in my head. Which means that there will be more writings of my new love with her as well. You are more than welcomed to continue reading my blog, since we have agreed to stay as friends, but I just felt that I needed to clarify this to prevent anymore hurt to you even after our breakup.

Best Wishes,
Snorlax

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Always go back to why you started

It gives you insights to the original intent, allowing you to stay true to your direction and see any deviation from your direction.

It's easy to get lost and distracted by things going on at some moment. But sometimes, when you look back at the reason for starting out, it reminds you why you began in the first place. It tells you that despite all the messy things going on, the reason has not changed at all, your path is still the same. This gives you clarity of vision on your journey, and the strength to carry on.

The converse is also true. When you look back and realize that things have changed already, and whatever reason for starting out is no longer valid, then you know that your path was incorrect, and there's no need to persist on the journey.

I've been through both before, remembering why you started always gives you the answer.

Let's talk about something more relevant currently: my new found journey. I have always been impatient, rushing into things, and giving up when the going gets tough. This is a reminder to myself, a checkpoint of why I chose to start with her.

I have lived life thus far without any meaning; I even wrote a 3 part series on "Life has no meaning". For the first time in my life, I feel like there is something to live for, there is finally meaning to my life. More precisely, I decided that she is what I would give my life for, she is the meaning of my life.

It may, of course, be too early to be drawing a conclusion like this just after 2 months of dating. But this is the checkpoint of the journey, this is the reason why I started.

The biggest reason is how she reminds me of myself. Looking at her is somewhat like a reflection of the kind of person I am. The things which she thinks about, the revelations she has after thinking them through, these are the same things which I had pondered on, and why I am who I am today - why I chose and strive to be the composed anchor. This gives me strength as seeing her go through what I've been through gives me great confidence that where I am going is correct, and this motivates me to become even stronger. So that I can be there for her at each step of the way.

The way she manages my ego and emotions is even more attractive. Behind every successful man, there is a smart women. The way she understands what I say, how I feel already make me feel blessed. But she takes it even further when she is able to understand how I feel even before I say anything. This kind of sensitivity tells me how much she cares, and makes me feel well taken care of.

Furthermore, she is even smart and emotionally sensitive enough to tell me things which I needs to listen in a way which I would accept it. She can even use my own philosophy to remind me to stay true to myself.

Some time down the road, I will face dark times, I will be depressed - my dark emotional, arrogant, sarcastic and passive aggressive self will reveal itself. The gentle giant may rage into a rampaging and trashing gigantic demon. But I know she knows how to handle my devil, and sayang it back into the gentle giant that I am for her.

Her never ending dreamy aspirations reminds me of my desire to fly, but never did fly due to my decision to stay on the ground. For her, I am the anchor reminding her to keep going back to basics. For me, she is the reason why I will always need to hold my ground strongly, be the strong base for her, 做她最安全的避風港.