Try

Try: a three letter word which is also probably the biggest and most important. If you try, you stand a chance; if you don't the chance is zero. Simple concept which is easy to understand, but immersely impossible to practise.

Be it the fear of failure or whatever other factors, it is always easier to say that there is no point trying. Because if you don't try, you cannot fail. Zero expectation equals zero disappoontment.

My new found freedom has widened my perspective for several things. Trying is one of them. If I think that my life is expendable, why am I afraid of losing?

To others, it seems that I  often up to the challenge, doing things that others fear. But the fact is, I am better at estimating risks, that's all. Risks which I took are almost always calculated risks, I knew how to win, and I knew exactlty what to say if I lost.

Now, it is time to step out, step up, and go to places which I have never been before.

I don't understand life

每當夜深人靜時，心裏又湧起了莫名的傷。心聲有誰聽，心痛有誰懂？

Everyone sees me as the happy-go-lucky guy – always smiling, laughing, and joking. 心中的無奈有誰知？And there is nothing much I can do but to laugh at everything, even at myself. What else can I do?

Perhaps I am really too greedy, keep on asking for more. Looking at my facebook and blog posts few years back, I have indeed made quite a fair bit of progress. And on a side note, in the previous struggle between ah beng and atas, I actually went on the path of atas unknowingly. But still in my life, I am not at all fulfilled, it feels empty no matter what I do. How do you look for something that you do not know what you are looking for?

Perhaps life is just like that. I’m really sick and tired of life, yet too afraid to die. Meanwhile I can only keep living the way I do, for what else is there left to do?

遇強則強

There are only 2 kinds of reaction when you get into a tough situation: give up, or fight harder.

I guess it's time I realize that I have been a whiny little bitch. With a pessimistic nature, I tend to focus on problems faster than opportunities.

When met with a tough adversary, I tend to conclude that there is no way to win and give up. The funny thing is, I thought I believe in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Turns out doing what you preach is really hard, and you may not realize that you are not doing what you preach sometimes.

From now on, I have to keep reminding myself to stand and fight. Always stand and fight.

If you conclude that you cannot win each time you see a stronger opponent, you will always be running away. If you run turn away from the fight, you throw away any chance of winning; if you stand and fight, you would still stand a chance, no matter how small. In the end of the day, even if you lose, you would be glad that at least you tried.

Keep the faith

Putting faith in people is the first and deepest mistake that you would ever make - this idea stems from the countless disappointments I have experienced in people.

Yet life is ironic: you cannot do everything alone. Everybody needs support in some point of their life.

The key then, is finding the right people to trust, and keeping the faith that you will be able to find them.

Once too often, people are bound to betray your trust, but that should not be the deterrence to your faith. If you give up on humanity, the real person that you gave up on is yourself.

Keep the faith, and hope that you can find the worthy ones.

When you are down low, keep the faith, and hope that things will get better.

Saw your mail

Yes, we can still be friends.

Never allow short term conditions to affect long term plans

Always identify if your problems are temporary. If they are temporary, manage it, and do not let it swing your direction which will affect your long term plans.

The breakup

Well I guess she should have stopped reading this blog after the harsh meetup we had the last time, it’s time to do a quick summary of why this breakup happened. There are 2 main parts of it: physical and emotional.

I just do not feel that kind of intimacy with her. I suppose the problem of initiating physical contact is common for Singaporean girls, but seriously, it is a problem. Man, as the hornier part of the relationship, would tend to be the one to initiate action in the bedroom. However, a relationship requires mutual effort, the girl should find out and pay attention to things that will make your man tick. He should not be doing a knowledge transfer of what he likes you to do – he might as well write you a user manual. Play your part – ask and find out what are the right buttons to push. I did my part to learn what turns a women on, I know more about women physiology than she does, I do not understand why she can't do the same. To make things worse, she has a problem in taking initiative in the first place, not just in this aspect.

I did something wrong – once. I’m not proud of it, out of temptation, out of curiosity, out of fun – whatever it was, I did it. It did not quite go the way I expected it, somewhat disappointing, but it showed me something important. The final piece that I thought I would look forward to, is not so fantastic. It was not the thing that I thought was missing.

If you fall in love with a second person, pick the second one – because if you truly loved the first, you would not have fallen for the second one. This is painfully true. I have always been saying “如果在家没吃饱，男人就会在外面吃”, coincidentally, there’s a similar English version of this advice to girls: “keep you man’s balls empty”. Granted, it is pretty much an excuse, but the truth is, if a man strays the women has a part to play. If your man is not fulfilled, he is bound to find something that satisfies him.

For the record, no – I did not develop further with the second person after the breakup.

Now the second part: emotional issues. I have mentioned this so much that I feel like an old naggy woman: there is no intelligence (and emotional) compatibility between the both of us. We simply don’t find the same interest: what I find significance in, she doesn’t seem to care or understand; what she finds significance in, I think that they are small and superficial. We simply can’t discuss anything at all. When I’m talking about how something works, why it is this way, how it can be used, how it affected or can affect other things, she is still talking about what it is. She never thinks further.

Working and living in a job like mine, my progress in terms of personal and character development is exponential. In a job like hers, most of what she do is repetitive. Yet she finds it challenging to even keep up with basic technicalities of her job. This means that the gap that already exist will only widen further with time.

The most painful part of the breakup is, I did not breakup because of dispute. That means that the love is still attaching both our hearts, and I had to tear it from the flesh and blood. That’s precisely how it feels.

I agree that the kind of girl that I am looking for is almost impossible to find, but even if she does exist (and available), I would not be a viable candidate to her. Women of intelligence are rare, and they tend to have a habit to proving their intelligence to you. Furthermore, I’m not exactly the kind of guy who would satisfy this kind of women – notice it’s the other way around? I have scored some achievements, but I have always been a big fish in a small pond. In order words, I’m “above average” at best – never the best. Intelligent, strong and independent women would be looking out for man who are strong than them. Even if I manage to maintain the confident front, I am still emotionally unstable and needy in the private space.

But this should not be the reason to be together with her. This isn’t fair to her as I’m treating her as a spare tire, a backup plan. I have wasted 3.5 years of a young girl’s life; I should just be glad that I have finally gathered the courage to put a stop to this mistake. The rest of the problems are mine alone to handle. Drifting, lost, and fighting alone, but at least I am not dragging an innocent party down.

Knowledge and acceptance are different

Knowing the answer and accepting the consequences of the answer are entirely separate issues.

The answer, which is derived from most optimal logic, may result in consequences which is painful to handle.

Interesting, the answers for three of my recent questions are all "no".

It was the most logical decision, but when the question is answered, you are tempted to think of the scenarios on the other side.

Isn't life just like this? Giving up one thing for another because it is the "right" thing to do, yet somehow you hope you could have chosen the thing you gave up.

Oh god why does it hurt so much

I don't understand love at all.

If it was painful to be together, why does it hurt so much when we are finally apart?

Why must two hearts that love each other so much have to be apart?

The urge to come back is so strong, yet I know that it is wrong to carry on the mistake.

I wish that I have never loved before.

Love is a game that I cannot afford to play.

Live through the pain

Live through the pain, remember that this is better for the both of you.

長痛不如短痛。

Yes, the bear and other things brings much sadness.
At the spur of the moment, you might be inclined to think that it is alright, it is not that bad, there must be a way, I really miss her, I don't care I just want to be with her.

But remember why it can't work. Remember the reasons why it cannot carry on.
Remember that it will only hurt more if you continue with this mistake.

Do not think about how much sadness 宝宝 and 熊熊 can cause.
Do not think about how she is taking it.
Do not think about maybe I should give her a chance.
Do not think about she would try harder this time, and it will work out now.

The fact that this relationship has reached this stage, means that none of the above should mean anything.

Recognize and remember that this relationship cannot work out.
When you start thinking about all those times you had together, think about the frustration you had instead.

The bucket list is long...
Her language is pathetic. You love to and have the need to play with language, get grammar correct. She cannot even say proper sentences without pausing to think. Her brain works in shortcuts, shorting to the nearest approximate words to everything.
She do not understand what you are saying almost all the time.
She has no interests other than interest for food.
She is pathetically passive, waiting for things to happen.
She complains about things like she is helpless, yet situations she complains about are actually small things she can change; she complains instead of taking action.
She doesn't get your jokes/hints/philosophies.
Things that you find funny, she doesn't find them funny, she doesn't even understand what they are talking about most of the time.
She doesn't get what is it that you want.
She is immature and childish, and won't grow up because she doesn't see a need to.
The way she handles and plans things makes your blood boil.
She has no plans.
She don't bother to read up, even if she does, she doesn't understand.
She actively reject your teachings.
She finds significance in things that you don't care about, vice versa.
She cares about things only on the surface and doesn't look beyond the surface.
She fails to understand second level logic and the references (both funny and not) that you make and hence unable to link things together.
She doesn't appreciate or understand the beauty of certain stories, and you had to explain story-lines to her.
She is a conversation terminator; she replies everything with orh and never think about anything further.
She focuses on the wrong things in Forrest Gump, Good Will Hunting, Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Imitation Game.
She possess traits that you would define as failure in most of your philosophies.
When you find something funny but when you show it to her, she doesn't understand it at all.
She is so insensitive and passive that she doesn't know how to initiate intimacy.
She doesn't understand what you mean, the problem you have, what you are going through, and hence zero support.
When you go swimming, every other girl is more attractive; when you see other couples; you actually feel jealous.
She doesn't get what you would like to see her dressed in even when you literally told her.
She didn't listen when you explain about things, but only listen when it is posted by someone else online..
You never could relate any lyrics of love songs to her
She does not offer the support, the "Joe you can do it" that you so desperately need..
She looks up to you as a mentor for guidance, but you don't get any form of support from her except her telling you how helpless she is. Relationship is about mutual support..
You don't feel fulfilled in the relationship..
You never really felt the intimacy with her..
Remember that when you really wanted to cry, you didn't cry in front of her.
The strongest person may have the deepest insecurities, she did not see or understand that at all..

What I'm really looking for, is a girl who I can cry in front of, and tell me that "it's alright, I understand what you are going through, and we will face this together". And vice versa, I would be able to do the same for her.

So don't go bother yourself to think about how she's doing, how she's taking it, how she sad would be. Focus on getting yourself better and moving on. She is not your responsibility anymore, you can finally let it go.